Shifting from Comparison to Gratitude in the Spot of Grace

---

“This is a hard lifelong task, for the nature of becoming is a constant filming over of where we begin, while the nature of being is a constant erosion of what is not essential. Each of us lives in the midst of this ongoing tension, growing tarnished or covered over, only to be worn back to that incorruptible spot of grace at our core.” ― ​Mark Nepo 

This month I’ve been playing with letting go of comparison – noticing it, celebrating the noticing and letting go. This is an opening to trust and transformation. And for me it’s a bumpy road – sometimes it feels impossibly hard to offer compassion to myself and what it is instead is unpracticed, it’s new. As much as I know what the comparison of my judge takes from me, it’s still so solidly conditioned that it’s my go-to way in the world. And that way has lots of downsides and really no upside. It’s funny, it logically makes no sense and yet the familiarity of it brings some hint of comfort that keeps inviting me back. What I’m learning is it’s not only for me that I’m practicing something new. When I let myself be who I am fully and celebrate this, that’s an invitation to those around me to do the same. When I step into the joy of perfectly imperfect with loving arms open to whatever emerges it’s contagious. It’s that invitation into love and that starts within us. It can’t be found within someone else no matter how great our relationships are or within some object no matter how amazing that thing is, it’s only available when we come back to our own selves. And this happens with presence and awareness first. As Mark Nepo tells us it’s our “incorruptible spot of grace at our core.” 

​What I’ve realized over the last couple of weeks as I’ve paid attention is that this habit of comparison is dug into my way of showing up partly because I’m a really good student (hence the MA and PhD 😉). I take things in quickly, I love to make new connections (both between ideas and people), and I work to apply what I’ve learned. This way of being and learning has served me well and it also has me constantly looking outside myself for the requirements.​

Comparison is my go-to for understanding where I’m at and most importantly whether I got my A. It’s like I’m constantly grading myself on a curve in comparison to others rather than starting with where I am and grounding in my worth. So that’s the rub. 

Just this morning as I was thinking about this post and how to finish it up, it hit me. When I let go of comparison there is space. This space isn’t the space of freedom, it’s more the space of dead air on the radio. Without adding another practice comparison creeps right back in. And this rainy morning it came to me – the new practice is gratitude. When I shift from comparison of how I’m measuring up to gratitude for how I’m thriving and what is here for me right now, I fill the space. Not in a “stuff it full and get smothered” way, instead in a “oh this is it and here I am” way. Gratitude is a balm for my anxious, not enough mind.
 
And all it takes is a new choice which I can make and actually do make at times. I let go of the yardstick, forget about how I measure up for a moment, and choose to be grateful for me and my aliveness. That’s where my energy lives – in me, when I’m just me. I’m not proving that I’m worthy or working hard to be liked – I’m just me. That’s where love lives too. The unconditional love that I was reminded of today in my Positive Intelligence (PQ) focus of the day – it’s the “spot of grace” where I get to be fully alive and you do too. It’s the place that we continue to cover up and uncover again throughout this journey of beauty and pain, joy and sorrow. Caring for myself by stepping out of comparison and into gratitude and acceptance is an act of love. It’s not selfish, it’s what I call self-full – it’s seeing that unique, amazing person who I am and just loving her up, being grateful for all she is. And that’s an opening into deeper relationships with me and you and all those around me.  

It’s that dratted “simple but not easy” way of being. The practice happens when I’m present, aware, and allowing for the unfolding. It happens in a moment and sometimes it doesn’t. It happens more often when I notice and celebrate this beautiful space of kindness and care for all starting with me. I get to be here now, how cool is that! The beauty of it is that it’s always available to us when we choose. Today I choose to be enough, worthy, and loved. I choose to be grateful and I invite you to do the same. What have you learned about self-compassion this month? Let’s chat in the comments.