Self-Compassion Minus Comparison Equals Peace

“Each person is born with an unencumbered spot, free of expectation and regret, free of ambition and embarrassment, free of fear and worry; an umbilical spot of grace where we were each first touched by God. It is this spot of grace that issues peace.” ― ​Mark Nepo ​

May is here! I love May, it’s my birthday month, it’s time for blooming flowers after the April showers (or in the Twin Cities the drama of tornadoes that just missed us last week), the temps are warming in Minnesota (some of the days)! And most importantly it’s time for new beginnings and growth. It’s a perfect, or should I say perfectly imperfect, time to blog about compassion, especially self-compassion. This is my learning edge. And I’ve blogged about self-compassion before as an opening for healing ourselves (talk about grounded grace!) and as a way to be our own best friend (talk about coming home to ourselves!). Self-compassion is at the heart of my 2025 commitment to come home to myself, offering grounded grace and love. So this is my work this year. And I have to say, it’s so simple and still not at all easy for me. As I’ve shared before, my default is to judge and compare myself, and my judge is super talented at finding ways I don’t measure up! In fact, she’s taken it on as a full-time job and she’s killing it. 😂 ​

It's the comparison that really takes it out of me and leaves me grabbing for more acceptance from others and resigning myself to my not enoughness. For much of my life I’ve operated as if there is one right path to prove I’m worthy and that path is paved by comparison almost exclusively to others although sometimes I compare myself to general standards. The funny thing about comparison with others is that even when I come out “on top” (i.e., I am “ahead” on whatever thing I’m comparing on, some of the favorites are mothering, achievements, weight, clean house) I still don’t feel good. In fact, I often feel just as (if not more) anxious as when I’m “behind.” I think that’s something to do with control – when I’m behind I can control my own effort to “catch up.” When I’m ahead I still can control my own effort and yet I have no control over others “catching up” or “surpassing” me. Either way it’s a lose-lose. I never feel enough and my anxiety spirals in the process. I truly have lived “comparison is the thief of joy” a quote attributed to Theodore Roosevelt along with comparison being the “death of joy” as said by Mark Twain. So there you go … I know it, I really know deep in my being that it’s not good for me (or you) to compare. And yet, it’s such a deep, dark habit of my over-functioning judge that I keep on doing it.  
This month as I continue to come home to myself in all my perfectly imperfectness, I’m going to start with noticing my judge’s comparison habit, celebrating my noticing, and letting go of the comparison, and coming home to myself with a breath and a shift. Maybe even blowing it a kiss as I let it go. Not battling it, just gently sending it off with an “I see you and know that you are trying to keep me safe AND I’m okay just as I am.” This is a practice I’ve drawn from the Positive Intelligence (PQ) work that I do. It’s about bringing my Sage self (in PQ language) and true essence forward, putting her in the driver’s seat. By the way, she loves to drive and she is available when I come back to my whole self, not just my thoughts but also my heart and my body. This is the opening to trusting myself, my true self, not my judge! It’s coming back to the “spot of grace” within. She’s got this and so do you! Let’s chat about what you gain when you let go of comparison in the comments. Or if you are having trouble letting go, what is it costing you? We can do this together! ​