Habits and Change: Transformation Happens One Breath at a Time!

Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths. ~Etty Hillesum

Just like I was last September, I’ve been thinking about change this month. It’s back to school time, Labor Day weekend, the end of summer. After a summer filled with fun and some amazing family time, we are in another new phase … It’s a different flavor in 2024 than it was in 2023 and it’s still not something that I embrace or move toward. 

​My brain focuses on the loss embedded in change rather than the new beginning of transformation. What was this like last year, the year before, or before that – it’s different now and difference doesn’t mean something good. In fact, I mostly see the difference as a deficit – I wonder, why can’t it by like it was then. My habits of holding on and sticking with it run deep. I have learned these things very, very well.

So now that my three sons are out of the house (for the most part) and my daughter is starting high school my habits are taking over even when the context is different. What happened last year is not what’s happening now. The way I face into what’s happening now is a different animal than when I was facing into what was happening last year, or the year before that.​​ And yet, here I am, using the same brain as before to process what is now. Phew, that’s difficult to describe. And it’s a feeling of helpless yet hopeful movement. I’m drawn into what’s next because it’s happening (that's the hopeful), I’m still yearning for what was because it’s what I know and mostly loved (that's the helpless). The question is how to be present in this moment? Not to get subsumed into what it was like before and holding onto it white-knuckled, but instead open to what it is now and going forward. That is the practice. And that’s not very well practiced for me. I’m quite good at getting pulled into what I remember and not so good at envisioning what I want.
 
So what’s important here … it’s an awareness. It’s about seeing the habits that have served me and may not be what's called for in this moment. My habits of persisting through it all, running from thing to thing, making it work, focusing on and taking care of my family, getting the job done, embracing the busy. These habits are not problematic, in fact, they are an important part of who I am. And this way of being and doing in the world runs so very deep. I don’t even truly see it most of the time. These habits are part of my unconscious "self-protective commitments" that Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey describe in their book, Immunity to Change, the TransformAble book of the month. They run under my radar, and then there I am, me and my habits. I am a mom, I am looking around to see who needs help with what, who needs taking care of. I am a juggler, I am again looking around to see what needs to be juggled, balanced. I am a hard worker, I am striving for that next accomplishment. So as the plates I’m spinning (aka my sons and their schedules and many other things) start to spin themselves I’m a little lost in the non-doing of this aspect of my life. What is my purpose now? Who am I now in this world where those who were so dependent on me are now, thank goodness, practicing being dependent on themselves and independent from me? What does that mean for me? How do my habits of serving others now serve me?

Lots of questions and not so many answers. Here’s what I do know, I’m in a new chapter. I’ve been in the “the busy” part of my life. I haven’t had a chance to take a breath and look around until just recently. And this time is new, refreshing and, to be honest, kind of scary. There are no immediate demands to address (not nearly as many carpools to drive), although don’t get me wrong, I find other demands to live up to. That’s another good old habit of mine. You want something, great, I’m here to do it. My husband and daughter are still home, they may need something from me (that is when my daughter is talking to me, because she's 14 😉). My business is growing, that definitely needs something from me. And it doesn’t have to take everything. What does it mean to just be, to add space in my schedule and life. Who am I when I’m not running?
 
My habit of “busy, busy, busy” isn’t very sure about that. So what if I give her a break. I let her just be for awhile. What if I try a new habit. A habit of breathing in, letting down, seeing what’s here. A habit of being grateful for what is and what may be and not needing to know that what may be, will actually be. Being in this moment, with whatever and whoever is here. That’s a new habit for sure! Will I change? I don’t know yet, it's an experiment, let’s wait and see. I do know, it's the start of transformation, if I let it be. Are you wondering about your habits and change? Let’s connect and see what’s possible for you.